ATTITUDES FOR SUCCESS

Attitudes are the very essence of an individual’s relative success or failure on a human relationship basis. In most cases, someone with a bad attitude will struggle much harder for success at almost every level than someone with a good attitude. That being the case, we must understand what an attitude is, how it manifests itself and how others may perceive it.
                        

One dictionary definition of an attitude is this: “A complex mental state involving beliefs, feelings, values and dispositions to act in certain ways.”  Or put another way, an attitude is the way we exhibit our feelings and concerns about something we strongly believe in.  The issue is not so much the fact that we have strong feelings about certain things. The problem is that when we feel challenged, we might react in a way that is repugnant to others, causing them to react negatively to us. Most of us have a bad attitude from time to time. However, when we maintain an attitude that others find socially or emotionally unacceptable, our attitude becomes our personal brand. At that point, we become THAT person...” the one with the perennially bad attitude”.

When individuals begin to say things about us such as, “I don’t like his attitude” or “she is a good worker but she has a bad attitude,” the time has come for us to consider whether our attitude is working for us or if, perhaps we should consider changing it.

Many of us hang on to bad attitudes as a defense mechanism. Just as some people are known for a loud laugh or a quick temper, others are known for a bad attitude. Just as those people who laugh too loud when they find something funny or get angry immediately that they feel threatened, others exhibit a distant, dark, unfriendly or aloof attitude when a certain stimulus invades their mind. When those unapproachable, standoffish or superior people are faced with a situation that makes them uncomfortable they immediately adopt their well-nurtured attitude in order to avoid the situation or to repel those who might make them even more uncomfortable.

Most people with bad attitudes are not truly bad human beings. They are simply people who have trouble reacting in a universally palatable manner in some situations. When faced with an uncomfortable situation, the area of the brain that controls the neural pathways that form external responses in these people sets up an irresistible need to exhibit an outward presentation that will protect them from harm. So deeply are these responses ingrained in the minds of these people that without even thinking, they will almost automatically exhibit a bad attitude whenever they sense or expect discomfort. They have little or no control at that point and the only way that they will ever be able to overcome their bad attitude response is through deliberate and consistent self-awareness and self-actualization. They will need to retrain their brains to allow a better response; (a good attitude).

The bad attitude response might be a result of past situations that the person found negative and emotionally hurtful. They might often find themselves thinking negative self-talk. Some of that self-talk might include thoughts such as, “I am not good enough; I can’t do this; they don’t like me, they don’t respect me; I don’t want to be here,” or any number of other things that people feel when put into situations where they might lack confidence. When the bad attitude has been part of their behaviour make-up for a very long time, they will no longer need to experience the negative self talk in order to respond negatively. The situation alone will be adequate to set off the negative behaviour response.

Negative attitudes can also be triggered by fear, hatred, envy, jealousy, distrust and a myriad of other stimuli. Those attitudes however, are usually confined to a specific source of discomfort and only rear their heads when an individual encounters something that they immediately find truly distasteful, frightening or unacceptable. Many people often exhibit a very good attitude most of the time and only show a bad attitude when confronted with an unusually unnerving situation.

Those people who have a generally bad attitude and want to do something about it must firstly accept that their attitude is impacting those around them and that it is harming their personal growth and development in one way or another. Many people spend a good deal of time thinking and saying things like, “I don’t need anyone else; You don’t have to like me to work with me; As long as I do my job my attitude shouldn’t matter,” and various other ideas that justify their negative attitudes. Before any improvement can begin, those people must accept that a huge part of every good work or personal relationship is a compatible, flexible and generally acceptable attitude.  

When a person has finally come to the conclusion that they need to change their attitude, they must accept that it might take hard work and that it will not happen overnight. They should consult with those around them in order to find out what it is about them that others do not like. They should ask co-workers, bosses, friends and family members how they truly are perceived and then listen to the responses without interruption. They need to keep an open mind and allow their ego’s to take a back seat as they hear some potentially very hurtful information about themselves. Only people who genuinely want to change will make it past this step.

If they make it past the ego-damaging last step, they must make a commitment to themselves to do something else. Essentially, when they feel their brain telling them to react in a negative fashion, they need to do the opposite. Instead of frowning, they need to smile. Instead of whining they need to cheer. Instead of being aloof they need to show engagement. These changes in presentation and thought seldom happen immediately, but when a person makes a decision to improve and works hard at it, success and happiness usually follow shortly thereafter.

Do you have a bad attitude? Do something about it now!

Do you know someone with a bad attitude?  Do something about it, by talking to them and letting them know that you are there to listen and help in any way you can.

Attitude Matters!

All the Best

Wayne Kehl

Father's Day Reflections

Another Father’s Day has come and gone and for some it was a grand time filled with celebration and excitement while for others it went by almost unnoticed.

No matter how you spent the day, I hope you thought deeply about your relationship with your father. If you are an adult, living away from your father’s home, your relationship will have changed somewhat from the days when you resided under the same roof. You might not be able to experience the physical closeness that you once had with your Dad, but you can always remember his lessons and his love.

It is important for us all to remember what we learned from our Dad’s because no matter how much we might have disagreed with it at the time, deep within everything they said there was a grain of wisdom and truth, wrapped up in loving intentions. Our Dad’s tried to send us on a path...regardless of whether or not it was a path we wanted to follow doesn’t matter now. What matters is that in our Dad’s mind, he wanted us to do well. No matter how harsh, how mild, how emphatic or how ordinary his words or his actions might have seemed at the time, it was his intention to help us to a better, brighter future.

Some of you have lost your Father and that is sad because you will never be able to tangibly experience his lessons or his love again. Some of you have simply lost touch with your Father because of logistics or disagreements. If your father is still alive and you have not spoken with him for some time, I encourage you to remember the good times with your Dad and think about visiting him or at least picking up the phone. Don’t wait for him to call you...Father’s often tend to want their children to fly-on-their- own once they have left the nest. They sometimes fear that they might interfere in the natural flow of life that their offspring enjoy. Sometimes they simply fear rejection from the one they love the most! Forgive them, for they are trapped within their own belief system!

The relationship between a Father and his Son or Daughter is special. It is the Father’s role to protect his progeny from harm and make certain that life treats them fairly. Most men are born with a natural propensity for paternity. We understand from an early age that although we cannot give birth, we must be the ones who make the lives or our children wonderful; filled with fun, happiness, and security. Most of us Dad’s will go through life, thinking about our children and wondering if at any moment in time, they are out of harm’s way. We will drop whatever we are doing and race to the aid of our kids if we sense that they are in trouble or if danger is lurking. A father’s life is not complete until he is confident that his children are going to always be safe and secure. A father is an instinctive defender of his children and most of us take that role very seriously. Sometimes we might seem overly protective...but we can’t help it!

Most importantly, Father’s love their children. Often, because of familial or cultural conditioning, men do a poor job of expressing their love. They hold back and do the manly thing of being strong, curt, and even critical. The most uncommunicative fathers frequently wish they could be more expressive...that they could be more like mothers who kiss the tears away from their children’s eyes while consoling them and telling them that everything will be okay.

For some Father’s protection means being tough...it means teaching kids that the world is a harsh place and that children must learn to be strong in order to survive. For some kid’s it seems that nothing they do is ever good enough for their Dad. In reality, everything difficult thing they do to try in order to meet Dad’s standards or to please Dad is exactly what he wants. He wants to see them TRY and he wants to see them put in a good deal of effort. Even if perfection is not achieved, regardless of whether he cheers, nit-picks, or criticizes, a Dad only wants to see his children do well. His paternal instinct tells him that he must be involved and he must always impart lessons to his kids so that they can succeed in all they do.

Next year on Father’s Day, I hope you think deeply about your Dad and all of the good he brought into your life. Forget about the bad things! The past is in the past and can never be repeated. However, if you remember the good lessons and how they shaped your present, the future will seem oh, so much brighter.

All the Best!

Wayne Kehl

UNDERSTANDING DISC #4, Communicating with the DISC styles

In previous issues of “Understanding DISC” we have gone into some depth on the subject of the fundamental DISC styles. You can find the past issues here:

 http://motivationalkehl.blogspot.ca/

In this issue, we will discuss the best ways to communicate with each of the styles.

Here is a brief and simplified recap of the basic DISC styles:

DOMINANT: This can be identified by forceful, confident, competitive behaviour.

INFLUENCING: This can be identified by cheerful, optimistic, trusting, outgoing behaviour.

STEADY: This can be identified by sociable, thoughtful, non-emotional behaviour.

COMPLIANT: This can be identified by organized, tidy, conscientious behaviour.

When communicating with a DOMINANT person you must accept that for them, winning is very important.

When a dominant person begins to show signs of becoming adamant during a discussion, (as they often will) it is often best to simply allow them to carry on until they have finished making their point. If you try to interrupt them, or cut them short, you will only inflame their dominance and either start an argument or cause them to talk longer in order to reinforce their perspective. In some cases it is even best to concede to their point of view or at least agree that they have made a good point, until such time as you are able to approach the subject from a different tack. In all cases, you should attempt to appeal to their ego and their need for success. Letting them win one argument might allow you the opportunity to win one yourself at a later time. However, vehement or over-zealous disagreement while a dominant person is speaking will usually end in a negative result. Depending on how strongly they are influenced by the other elements of their DISC style, it might even harm or destroy your relationship completely. Although High “D’s” tend to try to control conversations and win every argument, just like other people most of them enjoy helping others to accomplish their goals. Being part of another person’s success is after all a type of winning and that will appeal to their natural ego-driven personas. If you allow them the opportunity to help you and then praise them for it, you might just make a friend for life.

When communicating with a highly INFLUENCING person you should expect them to talk a lot and attempt humour at every opportunity.

People with a strong influential style are highly expressive and they love people. They are perhaps, the easiest style to get along with. However, if you are a highly compliant person, you will soon tire of their lack of attention to detail, and if you are a highly steady person, you might be put off by the speed at which they make decisions. Dominant people will usually have no problem controlling them but highly Influential people are usually fine with that. If you want to appeal to a highly Influential person, laugh at their jokes and give them a pat on the back often. Highly Influential people have a need to be appreciated and they like flashy possessions that bring attention to themselves. Expect them to be the life of the party and depending upon how much influence the other elements of their DISC style have upon them, you might also expect them to be silly or politically incorrect from time to time. High “I’s” like to have fun so if you join in with their light hearted banter, you can easily become an immediate ally and fast friend.

When communicating with a high STEADY you must remember that they are addicted to security and tend to want a lot of information before making decisions.

High Steady’s want assurance that any decision they make is the right one before they act on it. They are committed to their families and they strive to provide safety and security for them. They prefer not to make a significant decision unless their family or trusted friends are aware of the details and buy into it. They generally want the world to slow down, so do not push them too hard to make a decision or force them to create speedy results. Give them time to go away and think about it before formulating a response. The expression, “slow and steady wins the race” was probably written by a high steady personality. High Steady’s tend to be private people and are not likely to want to tell you about their innermost fears or challenges until they believe the time is right so do not pry and do push them to speak before they are ready.  High “S’s” prefer not to show their emotions publicly, so do not expect them to become excited or happy when you tell them something that might be extremely impressive to other people. If they tell you calmly and emotionlessly that they are happy or excited, accept it for what it is but do not expect smiles, laughter or tears. If you want to make a friend of a High “S”, give them their space and allow them to communicate with you at their own pace.

When attempting to communicate with a high COMPLIANT always consider that they are much more detail oriented than the other styles.

High Compliant people like rules and regulations for work and life. However, once they are confident that they are on the right path, they are highly conscientious and will act very quickly to get the job done. Because they like a lot of detail, when you speak to them, bring a lot of well-organized information and some proof that what you are saying is valid. Do not try to get a High “C” to change his mind unless you can prove that you are right. Many great accountants are highly Compliant as are a lot of pilots, engineers, musicians, and mechanics. In each of these cases, a very stringent set of rules and procedures must be employed in order to get the job done. The fact that following those procedures almost guarantees a good result appeals greatly to High “C’s”. In conversations, you can often hold their attention with spreadsheets, statistics and complex explanations. If you want to make a friend of High “C”, be prepared to dazzle them with detail and answer a lot of questions.

This article is based on the work of William Moulton Marston. Find out more in my book, “Getting Along With People Is Easy!” available at Amazon.com or from the Dynamic Leadership website:

 https://www.dlionline.ca/courses.php?category=Books

All the Best

Wayne Kehl

UNDERSTANDING DISC #2, Emotions of DISC

In the last issue of “Understanding DISC” we described the basic elements of DISC: Dominance, Influencing, Steadiness, and Compliance. If you do not have that article available you can find it on our website on this link: https://www.dlionline.ca/news.php?id=28.

In this issue, we want to delve further into the attributes of the various elements of DISC.

It is important to understand the basic emotions that are prominent to each element of the DISC.

· The primary emotion of a “High Dominant” is ANGER

· The primary emotion of a “High Influencer” is OPTIMISM/TRUST

· The primary emotion of a “High Steady” is NON-EMOTIONAL (emotions are hidden)

· The primary emotion of a “High Compliant” is FEAR

Note that when the scoring falls to the lower side of the scale in each of the examples given above, the emotions will be essentially the opposite of that shown. Hence, a “Lower D” will dictate patience and slowness to anger; a “Lower I” will tend to be pessimistic and lacking in trust; a “Lower S” will display more emotion; and the “Lower C” person will show little fear and take more risks.

Those basic emotions are only part of the story, however. Let’s look more closely at how the emotions of each element of DISC might manifest themselves in real life.

The High Dominant: You will generally find this person to be a director of action, a driver of activity and a courageous defender of their position. They never shirk from controversy and they are quick to take on any argument or fight that might come their way. They are quick to anger and will usually be the ones you find ranting and raving in a loud voice in any group of people. When they have a cause to promote, they will take on anyone and climb any mountain to make it happen. They are laser-focused on results and overwhelmed by a desire to be successful. High “D’s” often make good sales people, managers, athletes and captains of industry because they are competitive to a fault and never give up.

The High Influencer: High “I’s often smile a lot and talk too much. They are expressive, enthusiastic, fun, trusting, optimistic, charming, confident and usually popular. They love to be the centre of attention and they are constantly selling themselves to everyone they meet. They are fast talkers and whenever they hear silence they fill it with charming conversation. High “I’s” need to be loved and they spend a great deal of time chatting with everyone around them in order to earn the pats on the back that they crave. They are not keen on detailed work and will often use their charm to convince others to do a lot of their support work for them. They are the funny ones you will find in any crowd...quick to tell a joke and to make a joke out of a serious subject. Occasionally they misjudge their audience and provide humour at inappropriate times. High “I’s” often make good politicians, actors, comedians and salesmen because of their love of their own voices and their need to associate with other people.

The High Steady: These folks generally relate well to others and are amiable and friendly to all they meet. They are laid back, patient, sincere and appear to be stress-free. They are loyal to those they trust and they never quit a job until it is finished. They are aware of other people’s needs and they love to help and support their team. They tend to work slower than some others, but the work they do is unquestionably of the highest quality they are capable of producing. They don’t like to act on anything until they have the approval of people they trust and they do a lot of research to make sure they are on the right path. Because of their calm demeanour and selflessness, they make great support players for superstar High Dominants and High Influencers whose focus is mainly on themselves. They are often considered the “glue” that holds the team together. High Steady people make good assistant managers, athletes in defensive positions, nurses and teachers.

The High Compliant: The High “C” is analytical, methodical, restrained, diplomatic, accurate and precise. They like to put things into rows, columns and boxes. They thrive on planning and organization and they love rules and regulations for everything. The never fret over a mountain of minutia and they love to dot every I and cross every T. They will not make a decision without facts, figures and details. They want information in a format they can see so that they can analyse and verify it before acting on it. They have high standards and they turn in work that is as perfect as they can make it. The more complex the task, the more satisfaction they get out of doing it. Sometimes, they will slow a process down because they are not happy with the details or the amount of data they have on hand. Due mainly to their love of complexity and precision High “C’s” make good accountants, engineers, scientists and airplane pilots.

Note: When any of the DISC scores is on the lower end of the scale, you can expect behaviour opposite to that described above.

Adaptations: As much as these DISC elements can be very telling as to the behaviour you might expect from each person who possesses them, there are times when those people must “adapt” their behaviour in order to be successful and do a better job of fitting into general society. Here are some examples.

· When a High “D”, a High “I”, a Low “S” or a Low “C” goes to church, the environment will call for each of them to adapt their behaviour to the opposite of their natural style. If they are going to fit the church environment, they will have to adapt to become Lower “D”, Lower “I”, Higher “S” and Higher “C”.

· When a Low “C” is working on tax returns, he or she must adapt to higher “C”.

· A high “I” salesman must adapt his style to a lower “I” in order to get through the complex sales reporting systems that they must deal with.

· When training new employees, a High “D” might have to lower his or her natural dominance considerably in order to avoid intimidating them.

· When faced with deadlines and urgent situations, a High “S” might have to lower their steady style and speed up in order to finish on time.

Note that anyone can adapt their behaviour for short periods of time, but if they are forced to adapt to extreme levels for an extended period of time, they will ultimately become distressed, disengaged and in worst-case-scenarios might suffer from burnout. That is why it is important to match people to work that they are behaviourally suited to and put the right people into the right jobs!

In the next issue of “UNDERSTANDING DISC” we will explore how the elements of DISC blend with each other in each person.